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August, 22nd, 2011 - Nikki

Post Date:August 22, 2011

When Tina asked me to join the blog team for the Megan Meier Foundation, I jumped at the opportunity.  Bullying has always been a sore subject for me, and I was thrilled to finally help such a fantastic cause.  As a mother to 3 girls, I’ve had a constant worry as to what I would do if they are bullied and this was my opportunity to start molding their lives as loving and compassionate human beings by public example.  I think I was on cloud nine for the first few weeks,  looking  forward to sharing my experiences, ideas and opinions through this blog to not only inspire those experiencing the bullying first hand, but to families and friends who can offer support to those struggling in school and life.  I started to think of all the inspiring things I could write in my first blog post.  As the date approached for my first entry, all of a sudden I found myself anxious about sharing the experiences that I had pushed to the back of my memories.   It was at that moment I realized I had only shared a few stories with my mom, but had never said anything about what I went through to my family and most importantly, my husband.  I knew I couldn’t move forward and be an inspiration without addressing my own hindrances first.  I know the issues I had over the years weren’t as bad as some, but they truly shaped me as a woman, mother and Christian. So much so, that I sat in fear in front of my computer, knowing that I would finally delve into feelings I couldn’t share with my best friend and partner.  I was filled with an unbelievable sense of anxiety that people who used to make fun of me would read this blog and pass even more judgment against me. It is as if the bullying still had control over my thoughts and perceptions of what people would think.   I don’t think the people that play the role as bullies truly understand the permanent impact they have on someone’s life.  Quite frankly, I’m not even sure they would remember saying half the things they said to me.  However, their impact was huge.  For years I would wish that I had changed into such a beautiful person, that people from my old parish wouldn’t even recognize me.  I finally accepted that I had become pretty, not in a complete metamorphosis, but with years of growing into my own body and self.  Their actions would cause me to spend years trying to hide my inability not to smile and laugh and almost anything because people thought I was too goofy.  More importantly, that my self-esteem has been an ongoing issue and I’ve always struggled to truly accept myself as beautiful because I was called ugly and retarded on more than one occasion.  Had the bullying ultimately damaged my self- image so much so, that I made poor decisions as a teenager in order to be liked?  I still, at almost 29, wonder why people acted like they hated me so much when I did nothing to cause someone not to like me.   Sure, I was tall, had big glasses, freckles and curly hair, but what I can’t figure out is, what makes that person an unimportant individual, unworthy of friends?  As many as 20 years after the fact, I still have so many questions unanswered, all because a few people decided to make me feel worthless.  Do they still think about me? I doubt it.  They probably don’t even have the answer to why I, the nerd, was asked out in front of the entire 5^th grade class as a joke and laughed at for days afterward.   Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter anymore, but it is just proof that the bullying stays with you forever, even if just by curiosity as to why it happened.  Without the internet, cell phones and texting, the bullying I experienced ended with the close of my education, but has stayed with me all my life.  Now our world is even more harsh, judgmental and unforgiving.  We need to stand up to bullying and cyber bullying in order to give our youth the opportunity to become the beautiful people they are without the added distress of unwarranted hatred.

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